Thursday, March 22, 2012


Coming to terms with your sexual orientation is pretty difficult, especially in a society that frowns upon your behavior and deems it unnatural.
However, when you sit down and think about it you don't have lots of options:
  • You can deny your feelings and get consumed with self hate and low self esteem. This is the path many used to choose, and many are still choosing. 
  • You can accept your feelings and sexual desires, and move on. However, you don't necessarily choose to declare your homosexuality to the world. You keep to yourself and to your close network of mostly gay friends.This is where I stand today, and where most Beirut gays I know stand. 
  • Of course, there are some for whom this middle ground situation does not cut it and choose to be come out to their family, their friends, their colleagues, and just about anyone. They remain the minority among Lebanese gays. However, I do notice that many gays are summoning enough courage to do just that. I salute them, but cannot follow their example.
As you discover and embrace your sexual orientation, you start to experiment with sex. Having Fun and Hit and Go attitude is pervasive among Lebanon's homosexuals (perhaps it is true elsewhere too). Most gays you come across want to jump into your pants fast and leave you faster. Almost all are afraid of intimacy that goes beyond the physical, and I am not excluding myself here. Relationships are always coined with problems and headaches. I cannot confirm or deny their claims, however, I think it is very rewarding to put your heart and mind in one place, to trust someone and to build a common future together. You cannot be sure it will last forever, and probably it won't. But at least it's not a hit and run, you have a partner, a friend, someone to confide to, someone with whom you shed your masks and be yourself with. It's a bit platonic from my part but I have the right to dream.
I am at a point in my life that the having fun situation no longer cuts it for me. I believe many are on the same boat, but we are all afraid, we don't want to trust anyone because we fear we will be hurt, we will suffer and be rejected. In reality,. life is not easy, never was and never will be. Might as well risk it if there's a good opportunity. Who knows, he may be the one!

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